Good evening ladies & gentlemen.

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I would like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of Richard and Nicola here today. A wise man once told me that the Best Man’s speech should last as long as the Groom makes love….. Thank you ladies & gentlemen & have a good evening. (Sit down for a couple of seconds then stand)

Joking aside, for those of you that don’t know me my name’s Andrew and as well as being Richard’s Best Man, I’m also his slightly older, better looking, much richer and wittier brother.

And I would like to thank you Richard for asking me to be your best man today, it really is an honour to be asked and a pleasure to fulfil the role, and for you finally admitting after all these years that I am indeed the best man.

Anyway, I’d like to start traditionally and thank Richard on behalf of Laura, our lovely bridesmaid, for his kind words. And can I say what a great job she’s done today and how wonderful she looks.
I would also like to congratulate the happy couple and say that, Nicola - you’re looking absolutely stunning, as I’m sure you will all agree, and Richard - you’re not too bad yourself.
Actually everybody here looks great today, but I’m a wee bit peeved that most of you have copied my outfit. (we were all in kilts with the same tartan)

You can't deny it's been an emotional day though… even the cake's in tiers!

Before I begin, however, it is my duty to inform you of a couple of disclaimers before I proceed any further.

Disclaimer number one - My speech does NOT contain any original material - so if anyone is offended, it’s got NOTHING to do with me!

Disclaimer number two – Richard and Nicola have stated that should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the tables and chairs during my OVATION, they hold themselves in no way responsible for your actions!

And nor do I for that matter!

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas?

The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.

After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ....then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

I did actually find loads of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.... but sadly, none of them were about a couple called Richard and Nicola who live in Edinburgh....so it looks like it’s down to me after all.

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM’S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I CAN’T SING, and I WON’T LIE

But I could however go on about the number of ex-girlfriends Richard has had, but sadly, none of them came through the BSE crisis intact.

Richard was born on 23rd April 1980. I tried to link this to some major world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day… although the hospital staff still refer to that day as “Ugly Wednesday”

He was also a slow starter. At Playschool Richard was different from the other 5 year olds… he was 11.

At 16 he had left school, and left home to go to Perth and then on to Edinburgh, where he furthered his education at college and then university, eventually becoming a much qualified and respected personal trainer, oh if your clients only knew the half of it.

Being so dedicated to his work Richard will usually stop drinking after his 12th pint on a Friday because he would have to be up early on the Saturday to teach classes, I have never known of or met anybody so involved in personal fitness who can drink so much and used to smoke so much as Richard, although in his defence he now knows what fitness stands for, its: - Finally I’ve Taken Notice Eventually Stopping Smoking.

Now, I should take this opportunity to reveal to all, Richard’s past misdemeanours, unfortunately I have played a part in most of the incriminating events, as brothers we’ve always been co-conspirators and joint culprits. By disclosing everything Richard has done, I would be implicating myself and I really don’t want to tarnish my impeccable reputation. Speaking generally though, what I will say is that during our time at college when both of us were in Perth, and the various places we have lived together in Edinburgh, there have been times in many a bar that I was not so much a brother, but more of a mother to him:

I’ve watched him drink from a bottle,
I’ve watched him stagger around naked,
I’ve watched him crawl,
I’ve dressed and undressed him,
I’ve even cleaned up after him,
and several times helped him to walk.

However, it was one night when Richard was out drinking with work that he met the love of his life… Nicola.

You know, Nicola tells me the first time she set eyes on Richard, she thought he was handsome from afar… Now she thinks he’s far from handsome!

The rest as they say, is history…

To round off the speech, I’d like to say that Richard, in Nicola you have found someone that is attractive, smart, funny and loving. And Nicola, you have found (shrug) Richard?

In all seriousness though Richard, you’ve been a brilliant brother and a great friend to me over the years. It’s been an honour to be your best man today, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage!

You’re a lucky man, Nicola’s a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband… thank god you married her before she found one.

Before I ask you all to join me in a toast to the happy couple, and before I make myself more acquainted with the Bar staff, I’d like to take this opportunity to read some cards out from friends and family who couldn’t make it today.

To Nicola

- I’m sorry that I couldn’t marry you myself and had to get one of my mates to do it, but best wishes on your special day

From The Archbishop

Dear Richard

- We’re sorry we couldn’t make your special day, but felt it too emotional losing a special guy such as yourself, will see you again soon.

From all the girls at the Fantasy Palace

Now then, it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses:

Here's to the groom with bride so fair, And here's to the bride with groom so rare!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The new Mr. and Mrs. Donaldson, Richard and Nicola!