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Loving Without
Losing Yourself!
You are in
love and it feels wonderful. This love is different and you are
prepared to do anything to make it last. To prevent this ship from
sinking you work hard to steer this relationship into a safe harbor.
In the process you lose yourself and your romantic relationship
becomes all-consuming!
When Kyra fell
head-over-heels for Dan she went out of her way to create a
wonderful relationship. She found herself at hockey games, watching
horror movies, at parties with his friends and on vacations with his
family. At home, things were not much different. Kyra cooked his
favorite meals, kept house the way he wanted and listened to music
of his choice. On Dan’s advice, Kyra cut her hair short, wore less
make-up and a conservative wardrobe. She had even given up her night
classes, because they cut into their dinnertime. For Dan, this
relationship was perfect. In an effort to not disappoint him, Kyra
lived in constant anxiety. She had adapted to his lifestyle,
defended his views and even began to talk like him. Kyra’s friends
witnessed her change from a spirited and happy woman to a subdued
and pleasing personality. This relationship had sucked the life out
of Kyra, yet she was the last to notice.
While
compromise in a relationship is a necessary ingredient for it’s
success, denying the core of who you are is not. When you finally
realize that an all-consuming relationship is depleting you, there
will be nothing left but resentment. It will be difficult to reclaim
yourself while remaining in that same relationship. The outcome of
such a relationship is usually a heart-breaking crisis, with no one
but you to blame.
The opposite
of an all-consuming relationship is a half-hearted relationship. In
this relationship you withhold affection until the evidence is in
that the other is hooked. I love you, if you love me first has
become a common trend. Fearing that you will give more love than you
receive, you put your partner on probation and control the power in
this relationship. You judge according to your expectations and keep
track of his or her scores. The higher the scores, the more you are
willing to reward with love. This conditional view creates
tremendous emotional insecurity.
All-consuming
or halfhearted relationships are very unnatural and unhealthy.
Ironically, both types are guided by fear. In an all-consuming
relationship, fear of not being loved is the driving force. In a
halfhearted relationship, fear of being hurt prevents you from
knocking down protective walls.
Is there a
happy medium? To you love wholeheartedly without losing yourself
requires a very different perspective of relationships. Even though
you know that relationships require work, deep down you cling to a
sweet illusion that meeting the right person is all it takes. You
will then take off on your magic carpet ride. Think again! Soon that
magic rug will be pulled from underneath you.
If you long
for a partner who is wholeheartedly behind you, ask yourself, are
you the same partner? Do you give that which you seek in your
relationship? Ironically, many lack the qualities they seek in their
partners. Listen to your heart and when it feels right, feel the
fear and love anyway. Love without hesitation and with all you
heart. Don’t let your fear of rejection and getting hurt kill your
desires or steal your dreams. You may have stared in the face of
love before. Maybe you “chickened-out.” Next time, don’t be a
chicken!
If you are in
a relationship of love, here is a universal truth: Love is choice
and if you choose it wholeheartedly, you are never going to lose it.
Love teaches you to become a better human being. Restore your faith
in love and become emotionally available to each other. Put your
fears and your past behind you and become lovable by being loving.
Learn to trust by trusting yourself. Surrendering to love does not
mean losing yourself. Yet, even when it is safe to open your heart,
you may feel weakened by the anxiety that this love will disappear.
When in love,
how do you preserve your identity and course in life? Here is the
number one reason for losing yourself in a relationship: Your belief
that love is something you either deserve or not! Your misguided
belief leads you to counterproductive efforts to do almost anything
to get love and even more to hold onto it:
You modify
your identity to gain approval and love from your partner. You hold
back intimacy to protect your vulnerability. You have a need to
manipulate your partner. There is nothing you have to be, or do, to
earn love. When it is love, there is very little you can do to
destroy it. If you can believe that, you will accept that:
You can be
loved even if you are not perfect You can be loved while keeping
your course in life You can be loved without getting lost in love
Love is the most powerful human lesson you are ever to learn. It is
a purposeful interdependence through which you become so much more
than on your own. Once you can understand that love is not something
to be found, rather it is in you to be shared, you can love
wholeheartedly without fear. Don’t turn your back on love every time
it touches you, because when you give up on love you give up on
yourself.
© Allie Ochs
2005
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About The
Author
Allie Ochs is
a speaker, relationship coach and author of: Are You Fit to Love?
Her book has received the honorable mention at the USA 2004 Best
Book Awards. She has appeared on TV, Radio and is published in
numerous magazines and newsletters. Visit her website
www.fit2love.com and take the Fit 2 Love test. allie@fit2love.com
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